The Legend of Trivia Mercenary

I hope everyone’s weekend was great and you all feel well rested, because we’ve all got something to prove this week. What I’m saying is we could all step up our trivia game after what we saw go down at the Glass Nickel Thursday night.

We were at roughly question seven when this guy walks in solo, grabs an answer sheet and gets into. I’ve seen him do this before as the Wolf of High Street. Of course, this was before his Jeopardy days. This was before he was the Trivia Mercenary.

Cut to round 10, a brutal Bamboo Harvester of Sorrow and Trivia Mercenary isn’t pleased at all with what is going on. Not that it mattered, he already had the match won. Essentially he tossed out the first and final rounds and still put up the 80 points he needed for the win. Who else can pull that off? Maybe Pratik from Tits & Giggles or the Whispering Goat Whore? Anyway, Trivia Mercenary just earned his place in the pantheon of greats.

Now, lets see if anyone can bring that kind of heat to Company Brewing tonight. Who is it going to be? Kate? Or maybe Katy? Do we have a Catherine on the Tunnel Snakes team who I can drag into this mess? Of course anyone else can play solo, but I do recommend bringing a team. You show up, order several beers and listen to Nick drop trivia bombs about Tractors, Board Games and Cat Breeds. You’ll have a blast. Easy-peasey.

The show starts at 7pm. See you there.

Friday Flashback (To one week ago)

Oh man, we had some shit go down at trivia last night. There was a mercenary trivia player, who played under the name Trivia Mercenary.  There was also a new team who had no love for the Bamboo Harvester of Sorrow category, and there was the struggle-fest that was Good Enough’s game play.  

But before we get into any of that, we have to cover last week’s league finale. So hop into my time machine. Sorry, we’re all going to have to cram in. Unlike that Tardis-ass, police box bullshit, this isn’t bigger on the inside. Also, there aren’t enough seat belts to go around. Also, there is an unregistered handgun in the glove box. Also, these whips didn’t even come with cassette players. Anyway, get the keys to the DeLorean from Lauren at the office. Let’s go.

So last week, we were in the middle of a god damn shoot out. While drink tickets allowed some teams to show up  with metaphorical bazookas, The Spoony Bards were sitting on top with just water pistols. Sure, Rob probably his commemorative knife from The Mask starring Jim Carrey with the word “Smooooooookkkkkiinnn!” etched down the blade, and  “Vaccines? More like Whack-cines.–Jenny McCarthy” on the flip side, and I’m pretty sure Amanda had a set of brass knuckles and +3 for charisma, it’s only important to know the Spoony Bards used like six bonus points all season and we looking like the for-sure winners

Frankly, Spoony Bards had hands-down had one of the best league runs we’ve ever seen at Glass Nickel, but Neal of Fortune handed me a ziploc bag full of 67 drink tickets. And this wasn’t the first time they’ve done this in this league. Needless to say they snatched the win from the Spoony Bards at the last second. It was a crushing blow, but if I had to rank teams I would give both teams first place put Tunnel Snakes in a distant third.

The drink ticket scene got a little out of hand. Team Drinks Tickets actually only answered one question correctly throughout the entire league and still got fourth place. They were topped by Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot & Prongs ended up in third without much help from drink tickets. And finally I was specifically told mention Good Enough, who dropped a stack of tickets on me. When I asked how many, I was told 69 and replied with “Nice” because I know some memes.

The Up & Under Ender!

Just when you thought we had given up on trivia, we come back at your with a bruiser.

That’s right! Tonight is the league finale at Up & Under in Milwaukee. Your host, Lewis, the man who was the inspiration for the Bartender at the Mos Eisley cantina, while be coming at you with 50 questions. Some of them might be about mushrooms. Some of them might be about Swedish pop music. Still others might be relocated sports teams. I don’t know. I’m not here to give you the answers.

Of course there will be plenty of drinks, as it is a bar after all. These can help soften the blow of coming to terms with your utter lack of knowledge regarding inane topics. The also have the magic ability to simultaneously make the following day at the office harder and easier to deal with.

If any part of this interests you, I suggest getting yourself to the Up & Under on Brady Street tonight. The show starts at 7pm.

Glass Nickel Early Winter League Ender

The time has come for a showdown in Madison.

For the true trivia players, it’s going to look like this: The Spoony Bards have 56 points and Neal of Fortune is parked at 54. That’s close. But what we also know is NOF is sitting on like 5000 drink tickets. That makes it real tight up top. What we also know is I still owe NOF some sort of prize for winning the summer league. This weighs on me like the souls of all the trivia teams I’ve killed over the years.

Moving down the charts, you’ll see both Team Drink Tickets and Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs sitting on 42 points. Not only is the first/second place battle going to be hot, so is the struggle for third and fourth. And that doesn’t even factor in the ascension of Fish Ladies and Good Enough.

Dang, I would not want to be the host adding up all those scores.

But that’s exactly what I’m doing tonight. And if you want to see it happen in person. All you need to do is get your team together, or run it solo, and be Glass Nickel tonight. We’ll be in the basement and the show starts at 7pm.


The Beginning of the League Enders

Photo taken with a Motorola Razr

Big news for Trivia Newton John as they took home a trivia night win and creeped up, one point closer to 3 Guys on a Fact Hunt. That should make the final interesting at the Up & Under in a couple weeks. But don’t count 3 Guys… out, they still took home second place with 69 points. At 45 points and third place it was Whispering Goat Whores. While Shiva Kamini and Who Pooped in the Pool ran clean-up with 38 and 18 points, respectively.

Then of course, there was the Monday night show. To call it “Heated” would be an understatement. You were looking at One Night Standing Rock etc. and Tunnelsnakes both wearing 44 points, while Reclusive Wankers was just in or out of the cut, with 42.

When I saw that Reclusive Wankers name start showing up on score sheets a few months ago, I thought all the other Milwaukee teams were finished. It would be a slaughter. Certainly they will be able to topple a team who has allowed their name to become as bloated as Butthole in One Night Standing Rock Lobster Rolling Rocky Horror Picture Show Me Your Tits & Giggles the Clown Fish Out Of Water Boarding School’s Out For Summer, Best Ever After Earthlinkoh Tunnelsnakeskin Boots Are Made for Walking in Milwaukee, Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia! and those amateurs on the Tunnelsnakes.

The Tunnelsnakes are basically the children’s table at a Family Thanksgiving, but they got lucky this year because not everyone’s family could make it, so Tunnelsnakes got moved up to the adult’s table. And this is how Uncle Doug learned about The Ten collection Nike did with Off White, which he will mistakenly call “All Whites” or “Off Lights” until that shit is no longer relevant (which is like next Monday). This is also how little Tunnelsnakes learned about privilege, apathy, not-so-nuanced racism and sexism and how Donald Trump became the president. Uncle Doug also explained how Narcan is administered and explained how it’s dumb because that shit won’t even get you high.

FYI: I am still relegated to the side table at Thanksgiving.

What we also learned is that the damned Tunnelsnakes are all grown up. Those fools walked in, tossed down 92 points,pushed their league score up to 54 and walked out victorious. Butthole in One Night Stand… nabbed second with 51 league points and Reclusive Wankers took third. Hanging around, just off the podium, it was Mt. St. Helena Bonham Carter, the Best Cyber Monday Ever, I Like The Way Your Belly Holds Your Tits Up, BHS LAX Let’s Go Fillies!, What About Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog, and We didn’t Use Google, Promise.

I can’t wait to see what Madison has for us this week.

Still Lifes

Oh man, I bet you guys all thought I was gone. Done-zo. Taken out by the man for blowing the lid off the Big Trivia conspiracy.

Well, that is not the case. The real story is that my entire house has been on lock-down for some serious influenza contamination. It looks like that scene in E.T. where the entire house is wrapped in a bubble and Elliot’s mom yells to him, “Don’t forget to suit up and wear a gas mask before you go see E.T., The Extraterrestrial.”  

But we’re back. And this week we have an exciting series of questions. First off, we’re going to be discussing National Monuments. We’ll also be covering fruits in their natural habitat. We’re talking about on the trees. Not splayed out on some table, maybe in a basket, maybe not, but certainly lit with an overly dramatic sunbeam.

Get the fuck outta here with your Caravaggio still lifes. Baroque trash. Unless you want to talk about Judith Beheading Holofernes, because that image is gnarly. And it’s featured on a few tees in the new FUCT line. Oh what, you’re going to tell me you didn’t blow your Black Friday budget on the new collection. Listen, players, it’s just Monday. I bet you can still get the hottest pieces in like a small, or triple ex el.

Okay, we got off the rails there a little bit. Just remember, we’ve got National Monuments, Fruits (not talking about Still Life with Apples by Paul Cézanne, or Still Life with Apples and Grapes by Claude Monet or even Still Life with Apples, Pears, Lemons and Grapes by V Van G), and we’ll also be discussing American Vandal, so maybe watch that before tonight’s show.

Speaking of which, Nick holding it down at Company Brewing tonight. And just like every Monday, there will be food, there will be drinks and there will be good times. And you better believe each part of that equation earns top scores on several social media apps and reviewing platforms. If you want to get in on it, all you need to do is be there. The show starts at 7pm.

Big Trivs

Last night it all came down to the tickets. I’m not going to lie, this entire fall league may all come down to the tickets. Some people think that’s pretty whack, but this is the way Big Trivia wants it.

Oh, What? You don’t believe that? You don’t think Big Trivia hasn’t been scheming, plotting and then monitoring every move we make at some place like Glass Nickel Pizza on a Thursday night? You don’t think Big Trivia didn’t know the team named Last Place was going to score 29 points and finish in…wait for it…last place? It’s fucking obvious this whole thing is just some game played by people with names like Rothchild and Buffet (of the South Florida Buffets).

And what of Fish Ladies only racking up 34 points last night. Have you ever considered that after countless generations of the vatican suggesting everyone gobble fish on Fridays, Fish Ladies are rarely going to have a really great Thursday? You don’t think Robin’s Phallic Art Service isn’t some sort of plot dissemination technique? The way they came in and scored 41 points. C’mon.


And don’t discard Jeffrey Dahmer’s House of Ribs. They scored 43 points, lost 10, then played 39 drink tickets for a total of 72. What do you notice about those numbers? They are divisible by 43, 10, 39 and 72, respectively. THE NUMBERS OF BIG TRIVIA and the password to Jay-Z’z Tidal account. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot & Prongs played 23 tickets to end the night with 89 points. (23 drinks tickets. 23 seats at the table of Big Trivia–assuming they push a couple tables together. 23-inch rims on my 1997 Oldsmobile Aurora)


Then we have There Will Be Spoony Bards, who posted up a clean win, but then had it taken from them with drink tickets. Such is the will of Big Trivia. This is just like how George W. Bush heisted the 2000 election and then did 9-11. And you expect us to believe Good Enough, a relatively new team who would have earned second place with their 82 points, was going to be able to just drop 13 drink tickets and finish with 95 for second place? No way.

But here we have numbers appearing again. WAKE UP SHEEPLE.

Finally, take a look at the team that “won”: a couple Jeopardy alums, academics, a Thin Lizzy fan, S. Neal:Cosmologist/Amatuer Lawn Bowler/Possible Bowler Wearer. Look at that list. Knowing what we know now about institutions like college and Jeopardy being indoctrination centers for Big Trivs, how could they not win, especially after playing 41 drink tickets for a total of 116.

Listen, players, it’s time to expose the truth about Big Trivia. But not too soon, because next Thursday is Thanksgiving, and there will be no Glass Nickel Trivia.

Anyway, take a look at the soil around Des Moines, Iowa, for example. Clearly, the moon landing was faked.

Jock Week!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s Jock Week here at Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia. I know 50-75% of the players out there just groaned, but this is what happens after a Gilmore Girls round. The pendulum swings. There is an ebb and a flow. Rory Gilmore Girls is certain to be followed by Jaromir Jagr.

That is to say, we are diving 5 questions deep into the world of hockey this week. We’re not going to limit the questions to the NHL, but we’re keeping it ice hockey related. There will be no field hockey talk and there will certainly be nothing about roller hockey–this isn’t some Kevin Smith trash.

Apart from the hockey category, we’ll be cover other important elements like the solar system and Pixar Animalia. Sarcastically I say, we go hard for Jock Week. In related news, I am now 3-7 in my fantasy football league and clearly have zero understanding about how sports work. Combine that with my fantasy-–soda and cigarettes with positive health effects, as well as an Applebees that offers both bottomless apps and endless naps–and I think my ranking is on brand.

Anyway, it all kicks off tonight at Company Brewing in Riverwest. There will be food, there pints and pints of the Space Whistle IPA and Nick will be running the whole show. All you have to do is be there and be ready to win. The show starts at 7pm.

See you there.

The Sad End to Week 45

I understand if any trivia players don’t make it all the way to the weekend. This week was a slog. I should have seen it coming after the Milwaukee scores were posted, but I couldn’t imagine it being as bad as it was. Sure, all the Madison teams survived. We all made it through the the mucky muck of categories like La La Land and Asian Horror Films, but once we were in the dinge of Wisconsin in the Industrial Revolution, I knew not even Rory and Lorelai Gilmore Girls could save us.

Check the stats if you don’t believe me. T.W.A.T., a team created in a secret government lab to be a trivia-killing force, tossed up triple zeros in the middle three rounds and ended the night with 18 points. Lady Posse, who came dressed for success–cowichan sweater and all– could only scrape together 28 points. Clever Girl snagged 30 and Good Enough pulled in 33. Neal of Fortune put up 50 points, which in context is quite respectable.

Scheme Skank Flickets used their abundance of drink tickets and the power of their addiction to get to 57 points for third place. Meanwhile, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs earned a clean 64 points but was thwarted by The Bardle of Spoonded Knee who settled on 72 for the night.

That win does give The Spoony Bard variants a five-point lead in the league standings, with only 2 rounds remaining. I suspect it’s going to get scrappy over the next few weeks.

(No title)

I have this mental image of what happened last night. It’s Celebrity Guest Host Andy Berg and Lewis, the man who is author of several volumes of slash fiction about the Charmin bears and Google android, holding the lifeless body of Trivia. I also have two possible paths for the dialogue to follow. At first, I was sure they would just hold the corpse, cold with algor mortis but not yet stiffened with the rigor, and say “Dear god, what have we done? WHAT HAVE WE DONE?”

In the second option Andy and Lewis are raccoons holding Trivia in their little creeper paws and saying, “Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

I’ll let you choose the direction you want to go, but the the thing to know is this week is a killer. Just look at those Up & Under Scores. Shiva Kamini and Los Whispering Goat Whores both put up 45 points and tied for last place. 3 Guys on a Fact Hunt snatched third with 51 points. While Who Pooped in the Pool took second with 52. This is the first time Who Pooped… has been on the podium since a fourth team showed up. And Trivia Newton John won with just 54 points.

Nine points are all that seperated last place from the top spot. That is some real high floor, low ceiling, Being John Malkovich shit right there. I can’t wait to see what happens at Glass Nickel on Thursday.

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