Week Eight Recap

It would be nice to be here this morning talking about what a great trivia show we had last night. Sadly, I cannot do that.

What happened last night wasn’t trivia, that was a mess. It started out nicely, Pabst Smear a new team showed up, blasted through the first round and looked like they were on their way to a solid win. Perhaps this is when the wheels fell off. It’s hard for me to identify the exact moment. All I know is Pabst Smear was in the lead then we hit the Super Cars category and it all went in the trash.

Bard & Order: Spoony Victims Unit, for example. I think it was around round four when they stopped answering questions and started drawing pictures of Calvin, of Calvin & Hobbes fame, peeing on the Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia logo. By round ten, the images were of Calvin, of Calvin & Hobbes fame, sitting at an old desktop PC making donations to ISIS-associated groups with the Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia credit card. If only their impressive artsmanship could offset the fact they ended the night in last place with 52 points.

Just ahead of the them, it was Pabst Smear who at one point I made go head-to-head in a tiebreaker for third place. Here’s what’s hilarious about that–they were nowhere near third place and still won the Antiques Roadshow bonus question. They ended the night with some points and almost last place.

Then it was Neal of Fortune, who made the mistake of letting Alex do the writing last night. I think  the extra weight she now has on her fingers was forcing her to write a bunch of incorrect answers. What I’m getting at here is Alex and Gabe, who met at trivia got engaged recently. I’m super happy for them, but I also get concerned when I think about the upcoming argument over if my roll will be as best man or maid of honor.

Good Enough somehow slipped in a seventh player last night, which only added to the scoring clusterfuck and they then nabbed third place. Second place went to Clever Girl, who totally would have won if not for drink tickets. And speaking of Team Drink Tickets, they dropped another 16 bonus points and took home first place.

I’m pretty sure they are going to run the tables on this league solely on drink tickets. This is an amazing and troubling feat.

Anyway, it all starts over next week. It will be better. I promise.

The Year Was 2013…

For this week’s installment of Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia Classics we take you all the way back to December 2013. The best selling book was The New Testament by the mononymous Jesus. The Model T–the horseless carriage–was rolling off assembly lines in Detroit by the dozens and families were gathered around Guglielmo Marconi’s invention the radio, which was now being used to stream Podcasts. They were probably listening to WTF, or the Nerdist, or one of those other podcast that you couldn’t hear in color.

That was also a great time for trivia. The questions were top notch, but the answers we even better. Just picture it, quickly scrawled responses like Lascaux Cave, Black Tar Heroin and Not Canadian. Good times indeed.

And tonight you can relive it all. Period correct attire is suggested. That means slim, but not skinny, jeans for men and maybe a hoodie or a button-down shirt. For the women, consider skinny, but not slouchy (we hadn’t yet reached the boyfriend cut era), jeans and perhaps a pullover or a button-up shirt.

Once you’ve got your costume on, get your team together and get yourselves to Tracks Tavern at the corner of Humboldt and Locust. I’ve heard the crew at Tracks has even put together a period correct menu with several types of burger, a pulled pork sandwich, fancy fries, something called cheese curds and even chili cheese poutine. Of course, there will be plenty of drinks to go around and most importantly 50 questions will be coming at you from Celebrity Guest Host Andy Berg.

Essentially this is like when a club has an all Katy Perry night, or when Hootie and Los Blowfish plays at the county fair. If this sounds like your bag, I suggest getting to The Tracks tonight. The show starts at 7pm. See you then.

The Up & Under League Rolls On

Oooooo Boy, Trivia for this week is set. The questions are in, the answers are nearly thoroughly researched and the shows are ready to go.

That means, you’re up Milwaukee. Tonight at the Up & Under you’re going to want to get down with Lewis, fresh off his fourth place finish in the skeleton competition at Pyeongchang where his speed suit ripped open exposing his nipple, which then contacted the ice at a casual 80mph, tearing the skin away and exposing his robot heart.

I only say that because there is no way Lewis has a human heart. And I only say that because he has asked that I specifically reveal none of the categories for this week’s shows until after the the U&U match. That is 100 percent robot behavior.

Without categories to reveal, the best I can offer is a run down of the team rankings in the U&U league. The Sheep Rustlers are bringing up the rear, naturally, with one league point, while Who Pooped in the Pool and Whispering Goat Whore are at five and six respectively. There seems to be a barnyard animal theme happening in the lower ranks at this show, which I cannot explain. Also, The Brady Bunch has a solid sixer.

Tunnelsnakes at sitting at seven league points. While Trump/Pence 2016 with their rubbish name are at nine. Moving on to the double-digit scorers, we’ve got Shiva Kamini at 10 and There’s Something About Mary Queen of Scots with 13. Finally, we have Trivia Newton John in a commanding lead with 20 points.

I wish all of the teams good luck tonight. Its seems like you might need it. Then again, everyone is going in blind, so at least the playing field is level.

Of course, anyone and everyone is welcome to join the show tonight. All you have to do is get a team together, or come solo, and get ready to handle 50 questions and a couple cocktails. The show starts at 7pm. See you there.

Jeopardy Doubles

I was going to start by saying it’s the Madison teams’ time to shine, but we’ve got bigger fish to fry (Lent jokes for all you cafflicks). I mean sure we could talk about how Drink Tickles did break the 100-point mark last week, or how Clementines showed up from out of nowhere and nabbed third place while playing under the name It’s Been a Minute. I wasn’t fooled by fake moustache/nose/glasses combo, Clementines. We could even talk about how Laura Dern and the Low Rise Jeans are currently on top of the league, but we’re only two weeks deep so I’m sure that will slide.

What are are talking about is Trivia Mercenary. That’s right! Dom, the only player to win while playing solo in Madison was on Jeopardy last Monday. I could have been more on my game and alerted everyone beforehand, but c’mon how is your daily 30 with Alex T not a standard. The only excuse I find acceptable is that this is the second trivia player from the Glass Nickel shows to be on Jeopardy this month. It’s almost cliche by now.

Anyway, Dom gets on national TV and doesn’t plug Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia at all, which I understand. But he did reveal that he was the Skip of the University of Oklahoma curling team–the only curling team south of like, Manitoba State University. That is a solid-ass CV point. The dude probably doesn’t even fuck with a resume. He just submits a picture of himself wearing the ornamental robes of a proper skip in Sooners colors, and then another of him wearing his letterman’s jacket playing chess with Anita Hill, Olivia Munn and the ghost of Slim Richey. Sooners for life!

So, if you want to match wits against as many as three former Jeopardy players, or maybe even some Clementines, I suggest you get to Glass Nickel Pizza on Atwood tonight. Jake will  artisanally pour you a few beers, Simon will pizzeria-style deliver you some pizza or maybe a calzone, and I will devolve into drunkeness as I fire off 50 questions.

If this sounds like your scene, I suggest finding us in the basement. The show starts at 7pm. See you then.     

Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day ya filthy animals!

Yesterday, I came in here bagging on the miniscule overlap of Up & Under trivia players and Olympics watchers. I wasn’t thinking ahead 24 hours. I hadn’t even considered the even smaller intersection of Valentine’s Day romantics and Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia Players. I mean certainly we’re talking about 2-3 people. TOPS.

Even those of us with Signif. Ots. are probably looking to get out for a bit. Tonight, I am taking my 6-month old daughter to Water Wizards swimming lessons. This is a child who really has minimal control over her arms and legs and I’m going to toss her into a pool under the assumption of a lifeguard on duty. And this somehow seems like a better option than romance.

Then again, maybe there are those people who use trivia as a romantic icebreaker. That seems like a solid move to me. If in my younger days a potential partner had said to me, “You look like the kind of person who might be into trivia, you wanna join our team?” I would have stuttered and stammered out an affirmative answer, but then later I would have gotten super nervous and probably stood up them and their entire team. Instead, choosing to crush a sixer of Sierra Nevada, because nothing says, “eeeeehhh, beer, I guess. Whatever.” like Sierra Nevada, and 15 Taco Bell double deckers. Only to then hate myself and smoke a carton of cigarettes for my life choices.

Anyway, you see where this is going, right? It’s not a heading a good direction. So let’s turn around this hunk-of-junk spaceship we call living and set a course to guaranteed good times.

That means getting to Tracks Tavern tonight to play Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia Classics. Your main man, Celebrity Guest Host Andy Berg will be firing off the questions, while the Tracks crew will be tossing out plenty of beers and cocktails and even some waffle fries to share, if you do need a touch of romance. No reservations required, but I would suggest getting there early enough to grab a table.

The show starts at 7pm. See you there.

Coming to You Live From Pyeongchang

Let’s pretend for a minute there is a vast overlap in the trivia players at the Up & Under and those who are REALLY into the Olympics. Can you imagine the choice one would have to make tonight.

“Hmmm, do I watch NBC deliver another night of zero biathlon or curling coverage and 25 hours of dumb figure skating? Or do I go to the U&U, plow down a few fizzies, answer some trivia questions and have a good time?”

It’s not even a question. You get your ass to the U&U for Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia tonight. And before you go I would suggest maybe studying up on Ida B. Wells, whiskey and beach volleyball. For real, those are the clues I’m tossing out, so you know the rest of the rounds are going to be, as they say on the streets, “Okay”.

As always there will be plenty of drinks to go round and your boy Lewis, who once medalled in the Dormitory Olympics giving Topliff it’s first ever gold in table tennis, before someone yelled, “Hey, he’s not even a student at Dartmouth!” and was then chased from town by car full of tuffs blasting Yakety Sax, will be firing off 50 questions.

All you have to do is show up. The show starts at 7pm. See you there.

Cuckolded by Christ

We’ve got a straight-up head-to-head showdown this week. Can one of the Madison teams do what Milwaukee could not? Will we see a team go over 100 points tonight, or will the capital city sputter out?

The first obstacle will be topping Who Pooped in the Pool with their emotional journey to 20 points and last place. Sure, other teams may score more points, but no one can score more love for trivia. Does that even make sense?

I would think certainly someone will be able to top The Whispering Goat Whore who put up a mere 35 points the other night. Then again, I’ve seen some really trash scores stink up the whole room at Glass Nickel. I don’t even want to talk about Tunnelsnakes, who switched locations and still brought one too many players. You guys couldn’t conveniently forget to to tell someone on the team you were playing elsewhere? Instead you closed out the night with 38 points.  

Trump/Pence 2016 scored 40 points. That’s more than our dump-ass president’s approval rating, but not nearly enough to win. Now, you take that name and throw it in the river. Shiva Kamini had an uncommonly low score with 47 points, allowing Brady Bunch to slip into third place with 49. There’s Something About Mary Magdalene nabbed second with 61 points and makes me feel better about growing up reading the New Testament like it was letters-to-the-editor in a filth mag.

Dear god, I never thought these stories were true, until it happened to me. I was going to JC’s tomb to rub some oils on his body, maybe squeeze in a quick necro-sesh, but when I got there the tomb was empty.  Then I saw Jesus and he wasn’t even dead anymore, so I knew shit was going to get freaky. Of course, I was ready to get down to it, but he forbade me from touching him. Instead, I had to sit in the corner of the tomb and watch Thomas finger-blast him. Believe me when I say. the son of god wasn’tt the only thing that had risen that day.

Anyway, I’m sure my contributions to this new religion will be scrubbed in the future, so I just wanted to let you know it miracles can happen to you. Thanks byeeeee, Mary Magdalene

And in first place in Milwaukee it was Trivia Newton John with their 71 points.

Tonight it’s Madison’s chance to show off their smarts. There will be a room full of brainiacs in the house, but if the top spot is yours for the taking you need to get to Glass Nickel Pizza on Atwood. Simon and Jake will be slinging pizzas and drinks and I’ll be serving up all sorts of hot questions. As always, we’ll be in the basement and the show starts at 7pm. See you there.

For Your Consideration

Scene. The host, wearing a Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia tee shirt, strolls through a field. It’s sunny. There is a soft focus filter in use  

Oh, hello there. I’m glad you decided to join me in this field before heading to Tracks to night for Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia Classics.

B-roll of a bumblebee landing on a flower. Soft music plays. It’s not good and even the average listener things they could have maybe done without the ukulele.

Before you go to the show tonight, it’s important to know what is and isn’t a classic. Certainly that’s a classic.

The host motions off screen and the camera pans to a Citroen 2CV with Françoise Hardy at the wheel before cutting back to the host.

Think of the scene in Jaws when Richard Dreyfuss as Matt Hooper says, “We’re going to need several more boats of this size or larger if we hope to stand a chance against Jaws.” Another classic.

Host bends down and picks up a softball-sized rock.

Or what about the timeless prank where you throw a brick through someone’s window, then grab whatever valuables you can carry and get out as quickly as you can? A classic for sure.

More B-roll. This time it’s a frog jumping from a lily pad.

But there are other kinds of classics as well. Like the Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia show tonight at Tracks. You see, the crew at WHT has over 10,000 questions in their catalogue and for Wednesday night shows they find some of their favorites and revisit them. Trust me when I say the questions still seem brand new, because everyone forgets the questions and certainly the answers within moments anyway.

And because it’s at Tracks there will be plenty of great food, plenty of drinks to choose from and the smiling face of Celebrity Guest Host Andy Berg. I gotta say, I think this show has the potential of becoming a classic-classic.

So get a team together and get to Tracks Tavern on the corner of Humboldt and Locust tonight. We’ll be in the back room, and the show starts at 7pm. See you there.

Host crouches down to smell the plants in the field, this when we notice he’s been walking in a field of marijuana, and considering we appear to be in a moderate rainfall region better suited for prairie grasses and wildflowers, this shit looks primeau. The camera pans up and to the left where a committee of vultures is circling sky. Fade out.

Six Days Deep into February

Oh these February Doldrums. How many days has it been now since you were last outside for more than a minute? Four or five days? Maybe six? Does it even matter when the outside world is dead and frozen and the calendar lies to you because certainly February is the longest month?

Your best hope for survival is to get out of the house and down to a local watering hole. Shift your imagery now from the frozen Wisconsin winter and picture a literal watering hole on the Serengeti. Wildebeests stacked three deep looking to get that sip-sip. A few gazelles just over here doing those crazy hops. Maybe perhaps a rockadile or hiphopopotamus. A flock of dikdiks flying over head. The whole cast of The Lion King is getting down with some H2O, when your trivia host shows up, totally a giraffe.

That’s exactly how it’s going to happen tonight at Up & Under. Tonight’s questions are coming at you compliments of Lewis, a giraffe who was expelled in 5th grade for making a replica of H.H. Holmes Murder Castle with working gas valves and sub-basement room full of hungry rats. He’s going to be cover such topics as Sports Cars, The Seven Wonders of the World, and the History of the DSM.

If you think tonight is your night to shine. I suggest getting to the on Brady Street in Milwaukee tonight. The show starts at 7pm. See you there.

Also, dikdiks aren’t birds.

Typical Groundhoggery

Groundhog Day came early last night for the trivia players at Glass Nickel Pizza. And by that I mean Hannah popped her head in and said to everyone, “Ha ha! 6 more weeks of losing MFers!”

So maybe it wasn’t the best start to a league most of the teams have ever seen. I mean, Good Enough was clearly counting on some team to show up and do worse than them, but with 29 points they snagged the coveted last spot. Trojan Whores, an all new team, put up 48 points for a solid performance. Clever Girl brought in back-up but it clearly wasn’t their night. Drink Tickets for Tickles landed safely in the center with 66 and Le Spoony Bards set off on another adventure in mediocrity by securing fourth place with 73 points.


Trivia Mercenary, playing solo again, put together a 77 point game. What makes that score even more impressive is that he scored all 77 points by round four, or something like that. Neal of Fortune claimed second with 81 points and as previously alluded to, it was Laura Dern and the High-Necked Waistlines taking first place with 88 points.


The good news is the league is long and it’s still any team’s for the taking. The even better news is that today is Caitlin’s Jeopardy premiere. If you’re in Madison, it airs at 4:30 on the NBC affiliate. Milwaukee, we’re talking about Philo Farnsworth’s magic talky picture box, someday you will have such technology. I have know idea when Jeopardy is broadcast in Milwaukee. 

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