And Then There Was Booing

It’s hard to identify the when last night’s Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia at Glass Nickel Pizza fell apart. It may have been when I decided to let Dorito Fingers use all the drink tickets they’ve ever collected at once. Or, maybe it was the lamprey question. Or maybe it was when Something, Something 420 started booing other teams. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but by question 50 the whole scene was in shambles.

So let’s stick to the facts. Dorito Fingers was back in the house. This crew drops in every so often and brings the feel good factor up a couple notches. I’d welcome them every week, but I don’t know if they could handle that kind of commitment. Over the last 3-ish years they collected a couple handfuls of drink tickets which, judging by the condition, they were storing in the bottom of a backpack, next to a chipotle napkin, a couple parking tickets, and for some reason a photo of Jake the bartender. I let them play all of those 64 of those tickets, given them 65 points on the night.

Then there was Clever Girl also tried to play a couple years worth of tickets, but I had to shut them down. As teams should know, the heavy hand of trivia is nothing if not shortsighted and unjust. I did let them use the tickets they had acquired last night, bumping their score from 66 to 70.

Then it was the Clementines, relative newcomers who are fast becoming grizzled veterans. They earned 72, dropped 3 drink tickets in the mix and ended the night with 75. Ahead of them it was Something, Something 420. Who moved into third place only on account of the number of drink tickets acquired by their 6-member team. They are a raucous bunch with no regard for rich traditions and elegance of our trivia show. They are the Andre Agassi of trivia. They are a living Pink video. They are to trivia what Johnny Manziel was to football. Bad boys all around.  

Then up top we had Spoony in the Barden of Good and Evil, who put up 96 points. I believe i also only Spoony Rob an apology, something about pilsner and lager, but we’ll just put that on the apology tab I’m currently running with that team. And for the win last night, it was Neal of Fortune, who somehow survived the jeers from Something, Something 420 and put up 109 points on the night. Trivia masters for sure.

The good news is it all starts over again next week. Monday night you can catch us at Company Brewing in Milwaukee.

See you then.

The Final Flight of The Falcon


You know what they say, “what happens at the Polish Falcon, stays at the Polish Falcon, mostly because reliable sources of electricity and communication are spotty in Riverwest.” Unless, of course, what we’re talking about is Trivia scores. Nothing gets leaked as much as trivia scores, maybe a Beyonce album.

Anyway, Polish Falcon part dos went off last night. And it was none other than the Tunnel Snakes Global Mining and Terrestrial Exploration Concern, Inc. taking home first place. The put up 70 points, which was just enough to knock Johnnie Carries The Team and their 69 points into second place.

In third place it was Tits & Giggles, but let’s be straight about what happened last night. They scored 92 points, which was way more than enough to win. They then voluntarily took a 25-point deduction for extra players. I don’t know if they deserved the deduction as these extra players were just feral Riverwest dogs or raccoons, or like a dead opossum they found in the gutter, which they stacked up, wrapped in a trenchcoat and propped up in a chair. Pretty sure one of these creations had dirty syringes for fingers. Wearing one baby shoe they found near the dumpster behind Mad Planet. Bon Iver pins for eyes. It was horrifying. They ended the night with 67 points.

Princess Leia Demogorgona keeps crushing the competition in the naming category. Honestly when I first saw this iteration, I wasn’t okay with it. But then I read it aloud and I was right back on their side. Well played. Too bad your 62 points gives you nothing.

Finally it was Beerology, who clearly came for the bowling, they scored 59 points. But, I think their time is coming. Yes, I believe we are on the verge of the prophesied ascension of Beerology.

Sadly, that ends Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia’s short stint at the Polish Falcon. Starting next Monday, April 24, we are heading to Company Brewing at 735 East Center Street.

But before that starts up, we do have our regular Thursday night Madison show. You can catch me and all the Madison heavy hitters. Making a bunch of 420 jokes at Glass Nickel Pizza on Atwood. We’ll be in the basement, and as always, the show starts at 7pm.
See you there.


Trivia Training

Tuesday morning, and you know what that means. 3 Guys on a Fact Hunt was awake at 5:30am doing trivia exercises–prime number dead lifts, logo identification sets, sprints between two targets labeled “Jimmy Buffet” and “Kenny Chesney” and, of course, the V-sit reach.
Meanwhile, Andy and Lewis were sleeping late, not even sweating it. Trivia? Pssht, it’s just another week around here. They weren’t up early, stressing over what current events should be highlighted to take people’s minds off the state of global politics. No, that’s all taken care of. It’s like the old biblical proverb, from The Book of Proverbs, “Heavy is the head that wears the crown”. Though I have always preferred, “No one expects the spanish inquisition in a land war with Russia” or “Never trust a Sicilian in plain clothes”.
While these are things people do not say, it’s important to know none of them apply to this week’s trivia shows. None of the above maxims mention Earth Day or Colleges and Universities in Wisconsin. And certainly not one adage highlights the World of Fermented Foods. Yet these are all things we will be discussing this week.
If you want to get a jump on it, and take down 3 Guys on a Fact Hunt, or just laugh as they do jumping jackson fives in preparation for a Bamboo Harvest of Sorrow category, you should get to the Up & Under on Brady St. tonight.
Celebrity Guest Host Andy Berg and Lewis, the first person to hack a calculator watch so whenever he checked it the display read “80085”, will be running the show tonight. There will be drinks, questions, players betraying players, and heaps of fun. All you have to do is show up at the Up & Under at 7pm.

Verbal Kint


I want to make some joke about Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia taking flight at the Polish Falcon last night. But dang, I can’t even do that on Thursday morning. Also, I can’t verify such an event happened. Sure, I can see the score sheet, but those are just numbers in a spreadsheet. Anyone can put any numbers in a spreadsheet. It’s not hard. That’s how I made it through my semester as an accounting major.

I kind of suspect Nick of not even hosting trivia last night. Certain parts of the story seem plausible. Gilmore Girls Gone Wild winning with 93 points? Sure. Tunnel Snakes with 72 points? That’s believable. Beerology and Demogorgonized Crime battling it out for last place? Seems legit.

But, let’s look at some of the other aspects of this story.

Nick called the other day, and mentioned he had a new location for trivia. When I asked him where, he stumbled over his words for a minute, then said “The Polish Falcon”. I’m pretty sure Nick just Kaizer Soze-ed me. I can seem him there, in his kitchen, cooking up a polish sausage using his falconry glove as a hot pad, like some sort of animal who doesn’t respect the sport. Polish. Falcon. “Yeah. We’re playing at the Polish Falcon. You wouldn’t know it. It’s in Riverwest.”

Listen, people can name their establishments whatever they want, and they use shitty names all the time. Milwaukee seems especially accepting of it. There is currently, in 2017, a place called Gypsy Taco. Like that is not some top shelf ignorance. And people just let that place stay in business when really they should be the black bloc to the owner’s Richard Spencer.

But the Polish Falcon seems too tame for bar name. Too suspicious. So I post notice to the sosh meeds yesterday. People are clicking likes, reminding others this supposed place is cash only, and engaging just a little too much.It all seems dodgy.

Then I get the scores, and this where Nick blew it. He put Tunnel Snakes and Tits & Giggles in a tie. But I know Tits & Giggles. I’ve seen this team. They are not the type of people who go deep into Riverwest. Sure, they’ll hit The Tracks and maybe Colectivo, but when people like the members of Tits & Giggles go to Riverwest, they typically don’t come out without a drug problem and their parents telling stories of why they won’t be home for Easter.

I suggest you Milwaukee players get your stories straight. Before Nick tries to sell us all a lie again next week.

For those who might want to spend an evening actually playing trivia, I suggest joining us tonight at Glass Nickel Pizza on Atwood. We’ll be in the basement and the show starts at 7pm.

Clementines, Back At It Again


ClementinesRegarding trivia at Glass Nickel last night, we’re not going to talk about how Neal of Fortune won with 107 points. Nor are we discussing Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot & Prongs ending the night with 77, or even Spoony Bardday, Becky and their 62 points. I don’t even want to think about the 58 points earned by Clever Girl and the 52 of the 1998 Mulan Szechuans, ugh. And I’ve already forgotten about TWAT+ and their 33 points.


What I want to talk about is Clementines. Sure, they returned for their second week, scored 45 points and flashed potential all over a few of last night’s rounds. But I want to focus on their category suggestions. Let’s go down their list:

  • One: Destiny’s Child. Straight out of the gate, these MFers come with force. I would write this category for weeks straight. They are certainly after my cold, lifeless, trivia heart.
  • Two: Lifetime Movie or Unsolved Mystery. I hate to say it, but they missed out so hard, because it was just over a month ago we did Lifetime Movie or Megadeth Song and it was one of the greatest categories ever. And now we have options for expanding our Lifetime Movies comparisons franchise. This is great.
  • Three: Did Ben Carson Say This? Now, this one is really funnier in concept than in reality. I see it going down like this:

Me: Did Ben Carson say “I believe man, and woman, is a horse with an itchy trigger finger and a revolutionary filing system for smoothie recipes and Transformers movies together at last. Ipsy pipsy.” The answer is, No.

David: Two things. First, prove to me that Ben Carson does not actually start every day with those exact words. Also, I’m starting a new birther-esque movement regarding the Stanford Tree and its alleged name. LONG FORM, MUTHAFUCKER!

I can’t argue with either of those.
Anyway, Clementines are rad. Everyone is fun. Trivia is super cool. Have a great weekend.

Audience Participation Time

The Moar U noLet’s break it down like this.
Scores based on scores:
  • 95 Tits & Giggles
  • 92 Tunnel Snakes
  • 74 Gilmore Girls Gone Wild
  • 54 Beerology
  • 47 The Demogoragami
  • 27 Calamity Crew
Scores based on team names:
  • 100 The Demogoragami
  • 86 Calamity Crew
  • 0 Tunnel Snakes/Tits & Giggles/Gilmore Girls Gone Wild/Beerology
Tough loss, suckers.
Madison, tonight we’re doing it crowd-sourced style. If you want to be part of it, I suggest getting to Glass Nickel Pizza on Atwood. We’ll be in the basement. And, as always the show starts at 7pm

And Thus Ends the Winter Leagues

We might need bring Moonbats in for some blood tests after last night’s Up & Under show. I suspect a Lance Armstongian doping set-up but. How else do you explain the 106 points scored last night on the team’s march to victory. But this then leads into the greater question of, “What would be a banned substance at trivia?” Probably just Monster Energy drink. Not for any performance enhancements, but because it just reads as tacky and for dirty teenagers.

Imagine the scene, all of Moonbats come back Monster-free, except one person who has to admit they have been sneaking away to drink can of Gronk-flavored Monster. Troubling, on so many levels.

So Moonbats 106 points assured them the league win with 49 points overall. 3 Guys on a Fact Hunt rallied for 92 points last night, capturing second place for the week but they could only grab 44 leagues points in the end. Whispering Goat Whores put up 70 points last night, which was just enough to give them 45 leaguers, and allowing them to hold on to second place. Bowser-Domino tossed up 62 points, which means these fools are on the come up. All you other teams need to consider yourselves warned. And finally, Is It Supposed to Burn When I Pee earned 51 infection-spreading points.

And from there we move over to The Tracks Tavern where Nick’s got a rousing crowd-sourced show, which may-or-may not feature some Madison questions. It all depends on me getting a few minutes to drop them in. Time is going to tell with that one.

You can get in the mix tonight at Tracks in Milwaukee. It’s on the corner of Humboldt and Locust. The show starts at 7pm. Be there or be square.

The League Finale at Up & Under


I almost feel bad for the players at the Up & Under tonight. It’s going to be brutal. We have three teams vying for the league championship. Moonbats have the advantage with 43. The Whispering Goats Whores have 42, and 3 Guys on a Fact Hunt have 40 points.

Some so-called experts have said the Moonbats have got this one in the bag, but what do they know of Alexander Hamilton? Those MFers have probably never even seen a $10 bill or read the Federalist Papers. Sure, they’ve probably listened to 50 podcasts where normally entertaining people spend 18 hours talmbout how you must see Hamilton, or at least listen to the cast recording, because it’s the best music ever. Well first off, no one cares about Hamilton anymore because it’s 2017, and fools need to stop acting like they’ve never heard Frances the Mute from The Mars Volta. Nor have they ever seen my portrayal Willie Loman every damn day of my life. That’s some real high art.

And the Whispering Goat Whores…are they ready to crush a category on African capitals? Probably not. I suspect they are way more into a teenaged tuna named Tina wearing a tunics than they are about cartoons in Tunis, Tunisia. And for what it’s worth, “That’s where they filmed the Tatooine scenes in Star Wars” is the answer to zero questions tonight, and pretty much in life as well.

As for 3 Guys on a Fact Hunt, they might do alright on the traveling amusement park rides category. I could see those dudes just bouncing from county fair to county fair, judging livestock, plowing through cheese curds by the pound, trading grandma’s heart medicine for some used cottons, a cleanish needle and bootleg Moana plushie to crash on. Damn, 3 Guys on a Fact Hunt are some sinister MFers.

Then there’s the showdown between Putin Pops and Who Pooped in the Pool which is going to be nearly as exciting as the battle for first place tonight. Can the WPitP hold on? Can Putin Pops rally for a win, only time will tell.

Fortunately,  celebrity guest host Andy Berg and Lewis, the first person to suggest putting sri racha on everything as a method to keep all the delicious barbeque sauces for himself, will be at the helm tonight. Since it’s the end of the league at the Up and Under, there will be more prizes, more drinks and more fun. But you need to be there to play. The show starts at 7pm

And for all those Tracks and Glass Nickel teams, this is your last chance to get your crowd sourced categories into us.

The Glass Nickel Winter League Banger

Riley Trivia specs

Here’s what we knew was going to happen last night: Neal of Fortune was going to win. They’ve had this thing wrapped since Labor Day. But there were so many things we didn’t expect:

  • Who knew Neal of Fortune would also BRING prizes? Not me. But Alex showed up with Film Festival tickets for everyone. Assuming you you wanted to check out a Danish film about eating bugs and what we, as a global community, are going to need to do to survive with 10b people on the planet.
  • I think we all expected the Bard Spoon Rising to finish in second place. I’m pretty sure it’s a prophesy as old as time. Some speculate Odysseus’ boat was named Spoony Bards II. And in the deepest cavern at Lascaux, you will find scrawled on the wall “Lo, the Bards Who Spoon shall forever know the sadness and failure that is second place. Ps. Send nudes”. Oh, the stone age French are so naughty.
  • If you’re like me you counted Clever Girl out after a couple last place finishes, but you can’t keep a good team down. These fools got their shit together posted up a few wins and earned 3rd place with 42 league points.
  • Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs finished in fourth with 36 league points, and Teresahhh wasn’t even there to celebrate or criticize me.
  • Crazy Fat Kids and SUM tied with 31 league points. I find it impressive that SUM basically put up that score in the three nights Hannah was able to attend. Equally impressive, Crazy Fat Kids aka Kitty Kitty Meow Meow aka Come Back Inn Trivia Tuesdays at 8pm never actually wrote down a correct answer, all of these points were earned from drink tickets.
  • TWAT made it into double digits for league points, which is more anyone could have hoped for.
  • I’m pretty sure Bitch Planet showed up last night just to put out the vibe. I assume this because at one point the entire team stepped outside to rip cigs in the middle of a category.

Then there was also all sorts of new blood in the joint.

  • The Clementines, walked in late, eased into the scoring of points, then pulled out intellectual knives and cut some chumps by crushing Bamboo Harvester of Sorrow and Romeo and Juliet.
  • Chicken Nuggets put in a good show, putting up 67 points by the end of the night.
  • And Time Traveling Farts in Elevators, while technically not a new team, they played like they had never been asked a question before. They ended up with 49 points on the night.

A reminder for teams playing at Tracks and Glass Nickel, if you want to be part of the crowd-sourced show you need to get your questions to Nick or me by Monday-ish. And to the  players, you’ve got a league final next week. Please be ready.

Milwaukee’s League Ender


Nick offerman octopusIt was just 24 hours ago that I sat here talmbout how hard it was going to be for Gilmore Girls Gone Wild to take the win from Tits & Giggles. But then last night happened. Rarely in history have we seen things fall apart so completely with only the slightest bit of pressure. I mean sure, we have the moral authority of the current republican party, the concept of American Exceptionalism in the mind of a 14-year-old with a fresh Black Flag playlist on spotify, or the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, but never at trivia.


So let’s get into it.
Last night, Tracks packed in nine teams to wrap up the winter league. Amanda Sucks For Whatever Reason showed up in round seven, probably because they heard about all the sweet prizes, and scored seven points. They closed out the league with three points. Nursing Skool’d put up a healthy 43, but then overloaded the team and ended up with 13. They’re league ended with five points. Twinkle Twinkle Little Tsar, a team I have no knowledge of, put up 26 points and was thanked for showing up. Calamity Crew rode in, tossed back a few beers, raised a small ruckus, nearly a fracas, scored 39 points and ended the league with eight.


Beerology put up 57 points, kept their roster in line and ended the league with 22. But I have a feeling they are on the come up, you’ll see them again. Then it was Tits & Giggles, scoring only 62 points, ending up with 57 league points and second place overall, and most troubling, they had to read their name in the middle of a recap, like a bunch of commoners.


Demogorgone Fishin’ played themselves into 67 points, ended with 32 league points and hopefully made some killer Big Mouth Billy Bass references. They also took home third place for the night. Tunnel Snakes put up 76 points and held on their third place finish for the league. Not bad Tunnel Snakes, not bad at all. And winning the evening so hard they also won the league, it was Gilmore Girls Gone Wild scoring 88 points last night and closing the league with 61. Red hot.


Now we get to see what Madison has to offer. We’ve got league finals tonight at Glass Nickel Pizza. There will be prizes. There will be Food. There will be Jake. And it can all be yours. All you have to do is be there, in the basement, by 7pm.
See you there.

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