Friday the 13th

Walking back into Trivia at the Glass Nickel last night was a little like the penultimate scene in Full Metal Jacket. Imagine sneaking in after a week away. A once glorious building now dark except for the fires burning throughout, which somethow offer so little light. Smoke clouds one’s vision. That might be smell of death in the air. You feel a cold sweat. Jake the bartender is posted up, sniping with a different kind of shot.  

I don’t know if trivia can live any longer survive in a place like this. I don’t know if humanity can. My thoughts drift to fever dreams of Werner Herzog and his documentary about the St. Louis-rapper Nelly. Was it too called Country Grammar? But I am brought back to now when I hear chanting in the distance.

I know this sound. It’s familiar even if I cannot place it yet. Three sharp syllables. The rhythmic, “Ta ta da. Ta ta da.” over and over until the synesthesia of my ears focusing reduces the clink of ice in glasses and the sizzle of newly melted cheese on the pizzas and all I care to hear is the sound of hope.


Of course there were other teams that returned last night. And of course TV Dogs, finished in fourth place with 58 points. Clearly, fourth place is where they are most comfortable. But the key takeaway here is Trivia lives on. Trivia survives. I’m pretty sure that’s what Full Metal Jacket was about.

Now, let’s discuss the corpse of Wisconspoon’s Bardest Trivia, I wasn’t even having drinks last night and I still couldn’t say that team’s name. Whatever, they finished dead last with 31 points. Where they belong. Good Enough proved they we good enough to not get last place by putting up 51 points. Neal of Fortune, still shook from their hosting responsibilities, could only scrape together 53 points. Clever Girl topped them with 55.  

Third place went to Guess Harder, a team that seems to think 63 points and third place earns you the right to request another Fugazi or Foghat round. C’mon, Guess Harder, that was too easy–all the Foghat lyrics were rhyming couplets and all the Fugazi lyrics were emotionally intense and isolating free verse not so much set on a soundbed as huddled on a cot at a sonic squat infested with irregular start-stop song structures, heavy riffs and elements of funk and reggae told with a hardcore punk backstory.

Second place went to Kirstie’s Rejects, who proved they can score 71 points without drink tickets. Then there was Hannah and Laura Dern and the Smash Cut Segues who nabbed first place with 82 points and reminded all of us that Happy trivias are all alike; every unhappy trivia is unhappy in its own way and usually includes Hannah.

Finally, I should mention that we’ll start all of this again next Monday night at Company Brewing. See you there.   


Shoulda Doubled

12 hours later and Nick is still shook from last night’s trivia bout at Company Brewing. I get it, Nick’s a strong dude, not one to buckle, but you have to look at what he was dealing with last night. He had one team leaving menacing notes for Celebrity Guest Host Andy Berg. AND he had to deal with a team that pronounces it “Mary-time”. As in, “We had to drive through Quebec to reach the mary-time provinces.” Or, “Three miles from shore, mary-time laws takes over in Lake Michigan. I once took a kayak out there and killed a man, and there‘s nothing the pigs here can do about. Eat my ass, law enforcers!”

And then there was the prototype Los Tunnelsnakes was showing off. We can’t even talk about that yet.

Anyway, Courtydia Alisovis showed up and dropped 32 points for a last place, yet respectable finish. The was a tie at 47 points between the Sharpest Tools and Scrambled Eggs, two teams named after items found on the Orthodox Easter buffet at the Hotel Baltschug Kempinski in Moscow.

Pepto Bisquick made the move from WHT Classics at The Tracks and is now leaving skid marks and at Company Brewing. They scored 60 points in their first major league showing. They were topped by Best Andy and the Dead Weight Ever’s 65 points and the 66 points put up by There’s Something About Maritime Law.

Third place went to Titty Roosevelt, who scored 76 points. I’m also astonished that no one has ever used this team name before. I mean it’s right there. Of course, then we’ll have to change the acronym from TMFR to TFn’R.

Don’t kink shame me, assholes.

Second place was nabbed by Reclusive Wankers who put up 78 points. And as cobras do túnel took home the top spot by dropping 89 points and some limited-run design madness. I’ve never been so proud of a team as I am right now.

Tonight, we move across the river to bring the show to Brady Street. Lewis, the man who coined the phrase, ‘Grover Cleveland? More like GROPER Cleveland”, will be firing off questions at the Up & Under. All you have to do is be there at 7pm and grab a few drinks.

See you there.

The Finished Product

Let’s kick off this bad boy, shall we?

WEEK 15 is here, trivia players. And that means Nick is probably/maybe/possibly/whateverTF starting a league this week. Is he hyped? For sure. Is he concerned about that categories we’ve written for this week? 100 percent.

I can’t really blame him. Putting it together it all seemed normal, but looking at in its final form, I think we’ve created a monster. Part of me feels guilty for what we’ve done and I can’t help but think maybe Antoni Gaudi or Stanley Kubrick or David Carradine–those who never saw their projects finished–were spared the awareness of the trouble they created.

Then again, maybe this all makes for great trivia. Who doesn’t want to be at Company Brewing tonight, ripping through a few pints of Green Gallery IPA? Who doesn’t want to show off their superior knowledge when it comes to things like US Labor Laws, the TV show Friends or Still Lifes?

That is fine selection of trivia categories, and frankly this is not a night you want to miss. So get your crew together, shake your fist at this lingering winter weather and get to Company Brewing in Riverwest tonight. The show starts at 7pm.


They are all dead

It’s a big Friday around here, as I was fully prepared to tell you about the excitement of the Glass Nickel trivia show, instead I only come with questions. Specifically, what happened?

I take the night off to attend a very important Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia meeting and I come home to zeros across the board on the score sheet and Instergramps comments telling me I missed “the messiest trivia” ever and that “Oh my god. Dead. They are all dead.”

That may seem menacing, but I learned a few things in the last 48 hours. First, begin inserting Quindar tones into your thoughts. Now re-imagine that first message, “[Quindar tone] You missed the messiest trivia ever. Over [Quindar tone]”. Way better. Right?

As for the second message, it makes a lot more sense if you understand there has been much Peter Pan talk in my house lately, and the revelation that Peter Pan is dead and simply guiding the Darling children to the afterlife because it was early-1900s London and children at that place and time were really good at dying.

So, to recap last night’s trivia show, Big thanks to Alex and S.Neal for running the show so I could got watch a band play music, every character  in every telling of Peter Pan is dead, starting adding bleeps, and the merch line was super slow and all the large, X-large and XX-large tees where sold out. What more can you expect from a stoner metal show in the midwest?

We’re back at it next week!



MADISON! MADISON! MADISON! We’re out of league play and so that can only mean one thing: The Spoony Bards will deliver a crushing victory tonight. I suspect they will rack up somewhere around 150 points. With the closest team to them scoring somewhere in the mid-twenties, maybe.

Or some rogue team, Lady Posse, Guess Harder or the like could walk in and steal the show. It has happened before.

Or, what if it was your team, random reader? What if you got your crew together and found yourselves in the basement of Glass Nickel at 7pm tonight? Could you and your team take the top spot? There is only one way to find out. Get there, tonight.

See you then.


Clinging to the Nearest Passerby

It’s pretty clear I lost control of Trivia long ago. I used to think it was our sponsors who took over. Then, I believed it was the weakest of the teams that did, which was no better. And recently I’ve been sailing through thinking, “Nick’s got this under control. The Company Brewing show will keep us on course.”

But then yesterday happened. First, I find the attached image of Nick and his moustache at Opening Day. Certainly this is a man who hasn’t given a fuck about control for many, many months. Once the evening rolled around and I started seeing trivia scores slide in, it was incredibly clear no one is at the helm of this beast. Between the naming and the points, I don’t know what is going on at Company Brewing.

Let’s start with Zack Attack who squeezed out 40 points and ended up in last place. Typically, I would let this score slide as a respectable last place score, but not this time. Best Best Ever Ever and their gobbledygook name scored 45 points. Those 45 points are worth closer inspection because at the end of round six Best Best Ever Ever had one point. ONE POINT. These chumps rode a Lucky Strike for six rounds, one point, and didn’t finish last. Again, I think the entirety of trivia is out of control.

Scrambled Eggs and TEEM NABE scored 49 and 51 respectively, leaving me with only one commentary option and that is to claim I don’t know what to do with those TEEB NABE players and Scrambled Eggs. They’re calling again.

Wurst Turnout Ever and What About Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog found themselves wandering aimlessly around the middle ground with 53 and 60 points.

Das Tunnelsnakes scratched together 78 points. I assume these were all answers they bribed Nick to get, just to claim third place. Don’t Be A Nick In The Mud grabbed second with 89, and first place went to Reclusive Wankers and their 99 points.

If I had any faith, I would say the Up & Under show could fix all of our problems, but that is unlikely. Nevertheless, we’ll try. Coming at you with 50 rapid fire questions will be Lewis, a man who has been slipping his self-published Family Matters fan fiction onto the shelves at the Milwaukee Public Library for nearly a decade. I’m actually okay this because he also enters them in the physical and online card catalogs with properly coded Dewey Decimal numbers, and that one where Robot Steve Urkel slashes with Carl in his cop costume while Laura watches is worthy of Caldecott Erotics Medal.

The show starts tonight at 7pm. See you there.

Inter-Leagueian Period

We’re coming back fresh after a weekend of plowing through passover seders, easter egg hunts, eating and drinking the body and blood of christs, and enough peeps and jelly beans to rot even the strongest of teeth.

I have to suspect Neal of Fortune celebrated a little extra become they took home the top spot in the league with a slow-roll, eight-week, come-from-behind win. They just edged out Team Drink Tickets. But it wasn’t a perfect win as A Sterno from the Spoony Bards won the evening. Even Good Enough walked away with some prizes.

My favorite team of the night was TV Dogs. Maybe I’m a sucker for any team that chants its own name every time you mention them, but that gets really funny when you have a table of adults drinking beers giving everyone around them “TEE VEE DOGS! TEE VEE DOGS! TEE VEE DOGS!”

I don’t even know what that really means.

This week, we enter the inter-leagueian period. We’ve got Nick lighting the wick on trivia at Company Brewing. I suspect we’re going to be looking at a packed house as most of Milwaukee will be in attendance to see Noelle, who is still holding her plank from last week.

I think if you’ve come to gawk at the core strength of Tunnelsnake you might as well stick around for a couple pints and a few questions. And, if your going to stick around for a few questions, you should at least do some research. Maybe you want to know something about Famous Andys, the Supreme Court Justices, and the 2017 film Girls Trip.

Dang, this sounds like the best week of trivia ever. I can’t wait to be at Company Brewing tonight at 7pm to see it all happen.


League Enders!

Today is supposed to be the day we are celebrating the League Ender at Glass Nickel Pizza in Madison. We’re supposed to be on the edge of our seats trying to figure out how Team Drink Tickets comes back from last week’s crushing loss which took them out of the top spot. We’re supposed to be celebrating Good Enough, who dropped a gentle 69 tickets to take the win. And I’m supposed to be over here scrambling to find league prizes.

Instead, we wake up to a notification that some team, I don’t even know what team, has deemed themselves Champions of the Classics League at Tracks Tavern. But look closely at this team. Now count the players. It’s well over six, so it may as well be hundreds. This isn’t a trivia team, this is a damn knowledge army. I would expect any one team who filled the space to capacity and kept any other team from playing to win. But, congratulations to this unnamed team and to Eriq for drawing my attention to this team of know-it-alls.

Now on to Madison. It’s the league ender. The room is going to be heated. But don’t worry, Jake will be pouring drinks to keep you cool, Simon will be running pizzas and maybe some chicken strips or whatever, and I will be there with 50 questions to blow your minds. And as promised at the onset of the league, there will be a special category, just for the Madison players, about the Amazon show, Patriot.

The show starts tonight at 7pm. See you there.

Company Brewing, Amazing Kate and Lewis’ Stolen Valor Scheme

What a show last night at Company Brewing. I’m over here looking at the box score and all I can think is, “Damn, that’s a big show.”

We’re talking 11 teams at the jump, one team scoring more than 100 points and even a tie tossed in for fun.

That 11 team stat does include in Emily Squared, who seems to have pulled the plug after six rounds and went out with four points. They kept Momma’s Boyz and their 28 points from finishing in last place. Ahead of the Boyz, it was Bi-Furious with 48 points, Scrambled Eggs with 58 and Best Zeke Miller Is A Savage Ever who put up 73 points, but then got docked for too many players and also ended the night at 58.

We Need Help certainly could use some help but they did do well enough to score 71 points. They were topped by Nuk If You Buck In Your Truck 225. A team with a very troubling name and very non-troubling 76 points. Just up from there, it was the Up & Underachievers who scratched together 78.

In third place, it was Spotted Nick with 81 points. And also with 81 points it was Tunnelsnakes. This can only mean Tunnelsnakes copied every answer from Spotted Nick’s sheet and relied on a physical challenge knowing Kate would win that. Seriously, is there anything Kate cannot do. Nick claims that she is still holding plank position from a physical challenge 14 months ago. She also once ran a marathon with wearing an army surplus gas mask with a 3-foot bong attached to the filter. She was doing rips every quarter-mile, never took the mask off and still finished in 3:44:16. I know this because I was part of of the torch and bowl support squad riding beside her in a golf cart. As I said, Kate can do anything.

Except win at trivia last night. That honor was reserved for Reclusive Wankers and their 106 points.

Tonight, the show moves on to Brady Street. The show is a league ender headed up by Lewis, a man who spends his weekends photoshopping himself into pictures from Vietnam then demanding Veteran discounts at George Webbs across the city. And I know you might think that image of Phan Thi Kim Phuc running naked after being napalmed is horrifying, but once you see it with Lewis skating next to her, mid-no-comply, you might reconsider.

Anyway, if you’ve got what it takes to handle Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia, you need to get to Up & Under tonight. The show starts at 7pm. See you there.  

Finals Week is Upon Us

Oh, to be the teams playing Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia tonight at Company Brewing. What a treat they are in for.

You see, they get to reap the benefits of league final show without the added stress of league finals. They simply walk in, order up a pint of Space Whistle or Platinum Barnacle, and answer 50 of the finest questions a trivia squad has ever written. No stress. No mess. Unless we’re talking about Tunnelsnakes, because I imagine that team is sloppy as hell. Crumbs and spilled drinks smearing the ink on their answer sheet. Get it together Tunnelsnakes.  

As for all of the other teams, if you’re looking for an advantage I suggest going over what you know of Cartography, Konami Video Games, and the adapted works of. I know most of you will probably assume that is just one category, an interactive map to the game Stephen King’s Carrie released by Konami for the N64 system, but it’s not. Those are three separate categories.

Now you’re thinking, “Dang. Those Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia guys have really outdone themselves this time.” Perhaps. I guess you’re just going to need to be there to see it. Get yourself to the Company Brewing in Riverwest tonight. The show starts at 7pm

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