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A Picture is Worth A Thousand Threats

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I was mid-show last week, probably about to ask a Maths question I couldn’t explain, nor justify with the answer I would provide. When Quinn, the manager at Glass Nickel dropped off a package.

“This came for you,” was all he said. It seemed to cause the lights in that basement to flicker, to which I’m sure anyone in attendance will attest.

I studied the envelope. It had weight, but not too much. The contents seemed to be wrapped or padded. But it was the return address that caused me to lock up. CTNM…Milwaukee.

Craig T. Nelson Mandela. Those conniving sons of bitches. I know what this package is. This is the entire catalog of The Doors on CD, which I’m sure you can get at some resale shop for under $2. And yet, I don’t know why they sent it to Glass Nickel.

Do they really think I haven’t noticed them creeping around my house? The entire team camped out in a surveillance van marked “Trunch Lake Mobile Meat Processing and Rap Emporium. Bringing the slaughterhouse to YOUR house.” I know they’re listening. Every time I pick up my landline to call, I don’t know, a doctor or whoever people in 1980s films called on landlines, I hear the double click of a tapped phone line. I’ve seen them, the whole lot of them, on the roof of my garage. “Oh we’re just bird watching,” they say. “Oh look, a bird!” So it’s strange they would send the package to Glass Nickel and not to my house. I suppose they wanted to throw me off their trail.

But it wasn’t CDs. It was a very pleasant card and a picture of their god. Which is now proudly displayed in my house. But they already knew that.

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All of that said, Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia rolls on. The sacrificial fires of the autumnal league are burning bright at the Up & Under. Celebrity guest host Andy Berg and Lewis, the man who started Oprah’s Book-on-Tape Club and brought jailhouse tatts to the sorority house, will be tossing out questions, reading off answers and encouraging you all to have one more beer in hopes of winning a few prizes. Maybe they’ll be asking questions about Muhammad Ali, or maybe Steven Universe, or perhaps it’ll be some questions about bats. Who knows? It could even be all three. Only time will tell. The show starts at 7pm.

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