Dust Up at the Up & Under

We can all agree this is mildly troubling, right?

In some ways, it’s probably best the Moonbats weren’t in the house last night. They did’t need to witnesses the shake up that went down. But it wasn’t the usuals. No, no. It was a darkhorse. Bowser-Domino. Yes, they’ve been lurking for some time, but they never really seemed to be within striking distance. Until last night, when they put up 72 points and walked out with the win. Then, in second place, it was Enter Rest Mode who put up 61 points. That was just enough to keep 3 Guys on a Fact Hunt in third place with 60 points.

The Whispering Goat Whores are now The Whispering Goat Whores Part Un so perhaps this is some sort of rebirth for the Frolicking Trollops. They are going to need it after last night’s 56-point finish. Sure you might think that score would be embarrassing, but consider North Avenue Bar Foreclosures who put up 24 points, only to see Aretha Franklin Needs a Spankin’ walk in, play 4 rounds and walk out with 28 points. Life is hard for those North Ave Bars. But not nearly as hard as getting them to pay for their trivia shows. Hahaha the joke’s on you, bank account.

Whatever. Well played at the Up & Under. That’s going to do it for trivia in Milwaukee until next Monday. I hope all you Cream Citizens can keep it together until then. But if you get hard up, come join the Madison crowd at Glass Nickel Pizza on Atwood. We’ll be there every Thursday night.  

This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

I’ve never seen Pretty Woman, but I have seen The Girl Next Door, starring Elisha Cuthbert, which I often confuse for She’s All That (another film I’ve never seen) and I know at one point Rachel Leigh Cook’s character in the last film says “I feel just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.” Which is something I bet new sex workers get really excited to say, but it instantly outs them as newbs to all the seasoned sex workers (SSWs) in the museum.

Anyway, the lesson to be learned from that scene is that when you’re trying to turn out someone new, you can’t take them anywhere nice. That’s the hard lesson Nick learned last night at Company Brewing. No sooner had he and the teams settle in, than the team that derives it’s name from the Demogorgon breaks out this name “We’re Gonna Demogorgonna Find Out Who Carries This Team”.

I guess we should have suspected this kind of substandard effort in the naming department at some point–it has been like 17 weeks of bangers from this crew. But for real, Demogorgon, why did you have to break out this punny crap-hackery the day we kick off at the new location? We need A-names right now. Next time you’re hard up for a name, use one of these:

  • Demogorgondolas in Canals of Mars
  • We sent it to the A+R guy from Arista records and he loved our Demogorgon. Also we’re a band, our name is Muscle Tease
  • Demogorgong: Skull Island

Anyway they scored 39 points. Beerology put up 58 points, but Tunnel Snakes Global Mining and Terrestrial Exploration Concern, Inc. eked by them with 59 on the big board. In first place, it was Gilmore Girls Gone Wild who crushed the new spot with 98 points. All very exciting. And we’ll be back next week.

Now it’s time to move on to the Up & Under on Brady street to see how those teams decided to step it up in the name game. If you want to get in on that mix, you have to be ready for Celebrity Guest Host Andy Berg and Lewis, the man who first pitched the not-quite interesting theory of “What if, in Ferris Bueller’s Day off, Sloane Peterson never existed”. It starts tonight at 7pm.

Opening Night at Company Brewing

I imagine Nick woke up early today, took in a deep breath of that fine Milwaukee air, tossed Damn and the turntable, and said, “I think this is a great day to start Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia at Company Brewing.”

Later, when he’s on the bus, he’ll be telling complete strangers, “If you’re really into trivial facts, and you look like someone who might be, you should come play trivia tonight. We’re starting up at our new venue, Company Brewing. It’s going to be great.”

Then, he’ll arrive at his office and pay his co-worker who gave tonight’s show a write-up, and, I assume, awarded it 18 stars or whatever the top ranking is over there. But he paid in trivia bucks, because these are new media masters and the concept of government-backed money seems primitive and unsustainable to them.

At some point Nick will run into one of the players from Tits & Giggles. They’ll ask if there are any clues for tonight’s show. He’ll say yes and promise to text hints to them soon. Fifteen seconds later, the phones of every Tits & Giggles player will buzz, and simultaneously they all receive a .gif, or .gif however you pronounce it it fine (but know that if you say .gif, you’re a caveman). It’s a young Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen shrugging, it reads “No soup or clues for you” and then “Did I do that?”

I have to admit, I don’t know if Nick doesn’t know how memes work, or I just haven’t leveled up yet. This is very similar to how I felt about The People vs OJ Simpson.

Whatever, Tits & Giggles wanted clues and Nick wouldn’t give them any. But me, being not an assbag, I will suggest they look into Monty Python characters, the work of James Earl Jones, and something about Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

Tonight he’ll slide over to Company Brewing, at 735 E. Center Street, in Riverwest. Maybe he’ll have a Platinum Apium, a celery goze with 5.2% ABV. Or perhaps it will be the Zagora Major, a Belgian Tripel, with a crushing 9.1% ABV, that keeps the trivia show well lubricated. I know if it was me, I’d be using that Poor Farm Pils to kick back on a warm spring night like tonight.

Regardless, you can have any of these, all of these, or anything else they have on the drink list. You can even have some food. Food is good, right? All you have to do is show up, I would suggest having a team with you, and be ready to have fun. The show starts at 7pm.

And Then There Was Booing

It’s hard to identify the when last night’s Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia at Glass Nickel Pizza fell apart. It may have been when I decided to let Dorito Fingers use all the drink tickets they’ve ever collected at once. Or, maybe it was the lamprey question. Or maybe it was when Something, Something 420 started booing other teams. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but by question 50 the whole scene was in shambles.

So let’s stick to the facts. Dorito Fingers was back in the house. This crew drops in every so often and brings the feel good factor up a couple notches. I’d welcome them every week, but I don’t know if they could handle that kind of commitment. Over the last 3-ish years they collected a couple handfuls of drink tickets which, judging by the condition, they were storing in the bottom of a backpack, next to a chipotle napkin, a couple parking tickets, and for some reason a photo of Jake the bartender. I let them play all of those 64 of those tickets, given them 65 points on the night.

Then there was Clever Girl also tried to play a couple years worth of tickets, but I had to shut them down. As teams should know, the heavy hand of trivia is nothing if not shortsighted and unjust. I did let them use the tickets they had acquired last night, bumping their score from 66 to 70.

Then it was the Clementines, relative newcomers who are fast becoming grizzled veterans. They earned 72, dropped 3 drink tickets in the mix and ended the night with 75. Ahead of them it was Something, Something 420. Who moved into third place only on account of the number of drink tickets acquired by their 6-member team. They are a raucous bunch with no regard for rich traditions and elegance of our trivia show. They are the Andre Agassi of trivia. They are a living Pink video. They are to trivia what Johnny Manziel was to football. Bad boys all around.  

Then up top we had Spoony in the Barden of Good and Evil, who put up 96 points. I believe i also only Spoony Rob an apology, something about pilsner and lager, but we’ll just put that on the apology tab I’m currently running with that team. And for the win last night, it was Neal of Fortune, who somehow survived the jeers from Something, Something 420 and put up 109 points on the night. Trivia masters for sure.

The good news is it all starts over again next week. Monday night you can catch us at Company Brewing in Milwaukee.

See you then.

The Final Flight of The Falcon


You know what they say, “what happens at the Polish Falcon, stays at the Polish Falcon, mostly because reliable sources of electricity and communication are spotty in Riverwest.” Unless, of course, what we’re talking about is Trivia scores. Nothing gets leaked as much as trivia scores, maybe a Beyonce album.

Anyway, Polish Falcon part dos went off last night. And it was none other than the Tunnel Snakes Global Mining and Terrestrial Exploration Concern, Inc. taking home first place. The put up 70 points, which was just enough to knock Johnnie Carries The Team and their 69 points into second place.

In third place it was Tits & Giggles, but let’s be straight about what happened last night. They scored 92 points, which was way more than enough to win. They then voluntarily took a 25-point deduction for extra players. I don’t know if they deserved the deduction as these extra players were just feral Riverwest dogs or raccoons, or like a dead opossum they found in the gutter, which they stacked up, wrapped in a trenchcoat and propped up in a chair. Pretty sure one of these creations had dirty syringes for fingers. Wearing one baby shoe they found near the dumpster behind Mad Planet. Bon Iver pins for eyes. It was horrifying. They ended the night with 67 points.

Princess Leia Demogorgona keeps crushing the competition in the naming category. Honestly when I first saw this iteration, I wasn’t okay with it. But then I read it aloud and I was right back on their side. Well played. Too bad your 62 points gives you nothing.

Finally it was Beerology, who clearly came for the bowling, they scored 59 points. But, I think their time is coming. Yes, I believe we are on the verge of the prophesied ascension of Beerology.

Sadly, that ends Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia’s short stint at the Polish Falcon. Starting next Monday, April 24, we are heading to Company Brewing at 735 East Center Street.

But before that starts up, we do have our regular Thursday night Madison show. You can catch me and all the Madison heavy hitters. Making a bunch of 420 jokes at Glass Nickel Pizza on Atwood. We’ll be in the basement, and as always, the show starts at 7pm.
See you there.


Trivia Training

Tuesday morning, and you know what that means. 3 Guys on a Fact Hunt was awake at 5:30am doing trivia exercises–prime number dead lifts, logo identification sets, sprints between two targets labeled “Jimmy Buffet” and “Kenny Chesney” and, of course, the V-sit reach.
Meanwhile, Andy and Lewis were sleeping late, not even sweating it. Trivia? Pssht, it’s just another week around here. They weren’t up early, stressing over what current events should be highlighted to take people’s minds off the state of global politics. No, that’s all taken care of. It’s like the old biblical proverb, from The Book of Proverbs, “Heavy is the head that wears the crown”. Though I have always preferred, “No one expects the spanish inquisition in a land war with Russia” or “Never trust a Sicilian in plain clothes”.
While these are things people do not say, it’s important to know none of them apply to this week’s trivia shows. None of the above maxims mention Earth Day or Colleges and Universities in Wisconsin. And certainly not one adage highlights the World of Fermented Foods. Yet these are all things we will be discussing this week.
If you want to get a jump on it, and take down 3 Guys on a Fact Hunt, or just laugh as they do jumping jackson fives in preparation for a Bamboo Harvest of Sorrow category, you should get to the Up & Under on Brady St. tonight.
Celebrity Guest Host Andy Berg and Lewis, the first person to hack a calculator watch so whenever he checked it the display read “80085”, will be running the show tonight. There will be drinks, questions, players betraying players, and heaps of fun. All you have to do is show up at the Up & Under at 7pm.

Verbal Kint


I want to make some joke about Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia taking flight at the Polish Falcon last night. But dang, I can’t even do that on Thursday morning. Also, I can’t verify such an event happened. Sure, I can see the score sheet, but those are just numbers in a spreadsheet. Anyone can put any numbers in a spreadsheet. It’s not hard. That’s how I made it through my semester as an accounting major.

I kind of suspect Nick of not even hosting trivia last night. Certain parts of the story seem plausible. Gilmore Girls Gone Wild winning with 93 points? Sure. Tunnel Snakes with 72 points? That’s believable. Beerology and Demogorgonized Crime battling it out for last place? Seems legit.

But, let’s look at some of the other aspects of this story.

Nick called the other day, and mentioned he had a new location for trivia. When I asked him where, he stumbled over his words for a minute, then said “The Polish Falcon”. I’m pretty sure Nick just Kaizer Soze-ed me. I can seem him there, in his kitchen, cooking up a polish sausage using his falconry glove as a hot pad, like some sort of animal who doesn’t respect the sport. Polish. Falcon. “Yeah. We’re playing at the Polish Falcon. You wouldn’t know it. It’s in Riverwest.”

Listen, people can name their establishments whatever they want, and they use shitty names all the time. Milwaukee seems especially accepting of it. There is currently, in 2017, a place called Gypsy Taco. Like that is not some top shelf ignorance. And people just let that place stay in business when really they should be the black bloc to the owner’s Richard Spencer.

But the Polish Falcon seems too tame for bar name. Too suspicious. So I post notice to the sosh meeds yesterday. People are clicking likes, reminding others this supposed place is cash only, and engaging just a little too much.It all seems dodgy.

Then I get the scores, and this where Nick blew it. He put Tunnel Snakes and Tits & Giggles in a tie. But I know Tits & Giggles. I’ve seen this team. They are not the type of people who go deep into Riverwest. Sure, they’ll hit The Tracks and maybe Colectivo, but when people like the members of Tits & Giggles go to Riverwest, they typically don’t come out without a drug problem and their parents telling stories of why they won’t be home for Easter.

I suggest you Milwaukee players get your stories straight. Before Nick tries to sell us all a lie again next week.

For those who might want to spend an evening actually playing trivia, I suggest joining us tonight at Glass Nickel Pizza on Atwood. We’ll be in the basement and the show starts at 7pm.

Clementines, Back At It Again


ClementinesRegarding trivia at Glass Nickel last night, we’re not going to talk about how Neal of Fortune won with 107 points. Nor are we discussing Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot & Prongs ending the night with 77, or even Spoony Bardday, Becky and their 62 points. I don’t even want to think about the 58 points earned by Clever Girl and the 52 of the 1998 Mulan Szechuans, ugh. And I’ve already forgotten about TWAT+ and their 33 points.


What I want to talk about is Clementines. Sure, they returned for their second week, scored 45 points and flashed potential all over a few of last night’s rounds. But I want to focus on their category suggestions. Let’s go down their list:

  • One: Destiny’s Child. Straight out of the gate, these MFers come with force. I would write this category for weeks straight. They are certainly after my cold, lifeless, trivia heart.
  • Two: Lifetime Movie or Unsolved Mystery. I hate to say it, but they missed out so hard, because it was just over a month ago we did Lifetime Movie or Megadeth Song and it was one of the greatest categories ever. And now we have options for expanding our Lifetime Movies comparisons franchise. This is great.
  • Three: Did Ben Carson Say This? Now, this one is really funnier in concept than in reality. I see it going down like this:

Me: Did Ben Carson say “I believe man, and woman, is a horse with an itchy trigger finger and a revolutionary filing system for smoothie recipes and Transformers movies together at last. Ipsy pipsy.” The answer is, No.

David: Two things. First, prove to me that Ben Carson does not actually start every day with those exact words. Also, I’m starting a new birther-esque movement regarding the Stanford Tree and its alleged name. LONG FORM, MUTHAFUCKER!

I can’t argue with either of those.
Anyway, Clementines are rad. Everyone is fun. Trivia is super cool. Have a great weekend.

Audience Participation Time

The Moar U noLet’s break it down like this.
Scores based on scores:
  • 95 Tits & Giggles
  • 92 Tunnel Snakes
  • 74 Gilmore Girls Gone Wild
  • 54 Beerology
  • 47 The Demogoragami
  • 27 Calamity Crew
Scores based on team names:
  • 100 The Demogoragami
  • 86 Calamity Crew
  • 0 Tunnel Snakes/Tits & Giggles/Gilmore Girls Gone Wild/Beerology
Tough loss, suckers.
Madison, tonight we’re doing it crowd-sourced style. If you want to be part of it, I suggest getting to Glass Nickel Pizza on Atwood. We’ll be in the basement. And, as always the show starts at 7pm

And Thus Ends the Winter Leagues

We might need bring Moonbats in for some blood tests after last night’s Up & Under show. I suspect a Lance Armstongian doping set-up but. How else do you explain the 106 points scored last night on the team’s march to victory. But this then leads into the greater question of, “What would be a banned substance at trivia?” Probably just Monster Energy drink. Not for any performance enhancements, but because it just reads as tacky and for dirty teenagers.

Imagine the scene, all of Moonbats come back Monster-free, except one person who has to admit they have been sneaking away to drink can of Gronk-flavored Monster. Troubling, on so many levels.

So Moonbats 106 points assured them the league win with 49 points overall. 3 Guys on a Fact Hunt rallied for 92 points last night, capturing second place for the week but they could only grab 44 leagues points in the end. Whispering Goat Whores put up 70 points last night, which was just enough to give them 45 leaguers, and allowing them to hold on to second place. Bowser-Domino tossed up 62 points, which means these fools are on the come up. All you other teams need to consider yourselves warned. And finally, Is It Supposed to Burn When I Pee earned 51 infection-spreading points.

And from there we move over to The Tracks Tavern where Nick’s got a rousing crowd-sourced show, which may-or-may not feature some Madison questions. It all depends on me getting a few minutes to drop them in. Time is going to tell with that one.

You can get in the mix tonight at Tracks in Milwaukee. It’s on the corner of Humboldt and Locust. The show starts at 7pm. Be there or be square.

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