The Rise of Messopotamia and Fall of All Others

“SIRI! Update my LinkedIn profile. Have it read Wisconsin’s Hardest Greg: Questioneer, Championship Napper, Podcast Aficionado, Soothsayer”

It’s been less than one week since I predicted the rise of What A Hot Messopotamia and at last night’s Company Brewing show they began their ascension. Call in a team of forensic scientists to examine the remains. You’ll find bone fragments of Best Ever, the teeth of Three Guys on a Fact Hunt, and something that suggests Tunnelsnakes’ dignity would have been found if they had any.

Granted, they didn’t take any of the top spots, but what good is an ascension if you can’t strike fear into the hearts of those you’ll destroy on your way up. So, Scrambled Eggs, you best watch your back because your third place finish will not stand. WHT Schmisconsin’s Schmardest Schmivia, enjoy your time in second place. It will not last. And Mark McCarthcanned, your fall will be the greatest. I will enjoy watching these Hot Messopotamians feed you and everyone you love to the pack of Mackenzie Valley Wolves that travels with them.

Such violence at the CoBrew shows.

Tonight, we bring it back to a more civil stratum for the Tuesday night show. Lewis, a man who claims he’s no stranger to wolves because Werewolves of London is his go-to karaoke jam, is ready to blast 50 questions your way. All you have to do is be at the Up & Under on Brady street with a pocket full of beer money and a basic understanding of how trivia works.

Finally, I have to partake in some low-level huckster-ing. We have a few extra tee-shirts available. We’ve got Shoulda’ Doubled snake bite tees and a couple Black Metal BHOS tees available. All are size large (I don’t know how that happened, but I focus on my piping, man) The shirts are $20 each. Ask anyone wearing one, they’re comfy as hell and I’ll ship that shit straight to your door. Get at me via this crap platform or email greg@wisconsinshardesttrivia.com

 

Okay, tonight’s show starts at 7pm. See you there.

 

The First Trickle of Cheer From the Holiday Faucet

Players! We are now in the midst of it. We here at Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia Global Headquarters and Rap Emporium have begun making our lists of gifts we’re willing to receive in exchange for answers. We’re also relying on those classic, holiday-themed categories that make our writing jobs easier. Giving us more time to focus on ways we can ruin the holidays for our loved ones and strangers alike.  But those are stories for another day.

This week, we’re focusing on top-notch topics like Hanukkah and rocks. And if that weren’t enough, we’ve got a very special, seasonally appropriate Bamboo Harvester of Sorrow category coming at you.

If you want to get a piece of this specific holiday cheer, I suggest you get yourself and a strong team down to Company Brewing in Riverwest. Nick will be there priming his computer and firing off 50 questions so hot your winter wonderland will start looking more like a Corona commercial, complete with Tony Romo answering a landline telephone like some sort of caveman.

The show starts at 7pm. See you there.

 

A Very Sexy Trivia

People are going to be talking about last night’s trivia show for years to come. Sure, it will be mostly complaints, but all press is good press, you know.

From experience I can tell you with near-certainty that most of the complaints will come from Fuck the EFG. This team of renegades, misfits, ne’er-do-wells and Gayle/Gail/Gale/Gael, shows up, barely makes it into double digits and brags about how they’re engineers and nurses. Like this is foreign to me. Like my mom wasn’t a nurse engineer. C’mon. But they were the only team that pulled Willie Cauley-Stein, so I do owe them some credit.

Ahead of them it was the Multiple Mayors of Flavortown. Then, it was the Solar Sail Ship, a new team who came out hot and then crumbled under the pressure. Dern put up 60 points. And Good Enough did the right thing, playing enough drink tickets to end up with 69.

TV Dogs showed up with a full team, agreeable opinions on the show Patriot, and a random picture of boobs on Nithin’s phone. In the end that only was enough to get them into third place with 72 points. The faction of Neal of Fortune that is not sending me porno from Greece nabbed second place with 79 points. And a streamlined Spoony Bards took home the win with 86.

Spoony Greg wanted me to note they won without the use of drink tickets. He grabbed me by the label of my sport coat, got real close to my face and through gritted teeth said, “Tell ‘em we didn’t need drink tickets. Tell ‘em. Spoony Bards, platinum, no features.”

Spoony Greg is real intense.

We’re back at it next week. See you then.  

 

IMPORTANCE ANNOUNMENT

KLAXON KLAXON KLAXON

ALL MILWAUKEE TRIVIA TEAMS ARE INVITED TO TRACKS TAVERN TONIGHT. THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO ADD MORE TRIVIA TO ONE’S LIFE. PERHAPS SHIVA CONGLOMERATION OR 3 GUYS ON A FACT HUNT ARE LOOKING TO STACK ON A SECOND WIN FOR THE WEEK.  AT TRACKS TAVERN. MAYBE A HOT MESSOPOTAMIA WANTS TO PUT IN A FEW EXTRA PRACTICE SESSIONS BEFORE DOMINATING THEIR USUAL SHOW.

ATTENTION WHO POOPED IN THE POOL. COME TO TRACKS TONIGHT. PROVE YOUR POWERBOTTOM STATUS BY BRINGING UP THE REAR IN ONE MORE SHOW.  AT TRACKS TAVERN.

EXPERIENCE TRIVIA LIKE NEVER BEFORE. AT TRACKS TAVERN. CONSIDER QUERIES NEVER BEFORE CONSIDERED BY YOUR HUMAN BRAIN. CONSUME FOOD AND DRINKS PREVIOUSLY UNCONSUMED BY YOUR HUMAN CONSUME TUBES. AT TRACKS TAVERN. DO IT ALL TONIGHT AT TRACKS TAVERN. AT TRACKS TAVERN.

BE THERE AT 7PM.  AT TRACKS TAVERN.

END.

KLAXON KLAXON KLAXON

 

Milky Days

Welcome back, trivia players! I assume right about now you’re slowly sliding back into the work. Maybe you’re still standing around a co-worker’s desk making jokes about how you put on a few pounds drinking so much milk over Thanksgiving, but it’s okay because your wallet got a little lighter after all those killer Black Metal Friday purchases.

Oh, I bet that one got a nice office chuckle. But unless you picked the Slabdragger/Wren split release, Mothers of Beef and the Magic of Invention, black metal covers of Frank Zappa and Captain Beefheart jams, I don’t want to hear it. Sit down and have another glass of milk, you holiday basics.  

See there will be no niceties and gentle re-entries into the world of trivia. No way. Nick has 50 ICBMs (Inquiries Chosen to Blow Minds) ready to be deployed tonight. I’ve already approached the Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia Control Panel, located inside the Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia Hugo Chavez Memorial Control Room, here at Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia Global Headquarters and Rap Emporium. Once Nick confirms my launch sequence, we’ll start dropping these worthless-knowledge bombs.

If you want to see the intellectual wreckage, I suggest getting yourself to Company Brewing in Riverwest tonight. And if you want to come prepared, I suggest you look into things like NYSE Stock Tickers, the oeuvre of Bill Murray and Lego MiniFigs. Hopefully those clues will help, but let’s be honest, we’re all in for a rough one.

Anyway, the show starts to 7pm. See you there.

Thanksgiving got me like…

Locking the doors to Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia Global Headquarters & Rap Emporium at the end of a rather short week has got me a thinking back over the last few days. Things seem right in the trivia world. I feel if I were a .gif, or .gif, depending on how you pronounce it, I would be the one of the mountain man-looking-MFer who, when the camera has pushed in close enough, gives a subtle, approving nod. I think we all know the one I’m talking about. It’s the one we all wish our parents would send us.

What I’m trying to say here is that things seems right in the trivia world.

Just last night at the Up & Under Who Pooped in the Pool was able to put together 15 points and reclaim their last place throne. One could make the argument that in this case PPR actually stands for Point, not Points, Per Round. It would be an inaccurate argument, but I’m sure we can find someone to take sides.

A team named Second Place certainly did not live up to their name. Chumps. The Stallions fell just short of the podium. Tur-What-The-Fucken nabbed third place and started making demands for a Current Events category, but the “current” is about electricity and water. Like these fools have done a deep dive on The Structural Dynamics of Flow by Leslie Claret. Shiva Conglomeration nabbed second place and let Trivia Newton John have the top spot.

But before any of that happened, there was a Monday night show at Company Brewing, where I made a very special guest appearance. It was good to put faces with the teams I’ve never really met but talk about way too much.

What A Hot Messopotamia was making their trivia debut. Sure they finished in last place, but it was their first rodeo and they clearly showed the rest of these team that they get it and they’re coming back for blood. We Are Carl Weathers clearly focused this week on coming up with a second-rate name and then decided to pair that with a second-rate score. They even got bested by a 3-person Tunnelsnakes team.

I was hoping for more from Tunnelsnakes, but that was just a exercise in wishful thinking. Certainly, Best Ever was going to beat them. And you know Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia: Shmisconsin’s shmardest Schmivia was going out perform nearly every other team. Finally, There’s a Fine Line Between Numerators and Denominators took home the win. They abandoned their sexual confections name for a math joke, making it clear why Nick loves this team. Then again Nick has also IRL memed me with shit like “Sure sex is cool, but have you ever paused Good Will Hunting and examined the equations Applesauce Man was figuring out”.

No, Nick. I haven’t. There is no Glass Nickel show Thursday, so enjoy the holiday everyone.
See you next week.

Feast or Famine

[Cyrus voice] Trivia players, this week some of us will feast. Some of us will famine. Some of us will get stuffed with turkey and gravy. Smashed potatoes and pumpkin pies. Vegan loaf and walnut balls. Some will feast. Some will famione. Can you dig it?

We got the Company Brewing Players here. They’re going to feast tonight. 50 questions. Stacked up and shipped out Nick himself. And the same goes for the Up & Under crew tomorrow night with Lewis sharing the knowledge. And look around you, we got the Moonrunners right by the Van Cortlandt Rangers. Some will feast.

But famine comes, this week, to the Madison teams. You got no trivia. You got no family. What you got is dry cereal and leftover margarita mix. A pathetic harvest indeed. Perhaps you’ll travel to Milwaukee. Tonight or tomorrow night. Just to to feed your hunger. Or perhaps you’ll starve alone. Can you dig it? [/Cyrus voice]

In case you missed it, in all that gobbledygook above, it’s Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia time. We’re starting the week at Company Brewing tonight. Nick keeps telling me he’s going to have some kind of guest a appearance. I’m not sure what he’s talking about and can only assume it’s going to be him, with the hide of any beast he killed over the weekend draped over his shoulders, screaming, “I’m a whitetail! I’m a whitetail!” and shaking his butt. Nick is a weird dude.

If you’re in it to win it tonight I suggest covering hot topics like the Minnesota Wild, the Modern Library’s list of 100 greatest novels of the 20th century, and. Maybe Madison is lucky not having to deal with this line up. But if you’re in Milwaukee, get to Company Brewing tonight. The show starts at 7pm. See you there.

 

The Legend of Week 46

We have got our work cut out for us tonight, Madison. Not only do we have to top the CoBrew CrowSour show from Monday night, we also need to top what must have been an insane-o evening at the Up & Under.

Sure you had your regulars dominating. Shiva Conglomeration, Trivia Newton John and Who Pooped in the Pool taking the top three spots. (Can you guys imagine how thrilled Who Pooped in the Pool must have been to not finish last? Honestly, the players on that team may mark down November 13 as important as 9-11, or April 14, the day the remains of Laika burned upon the retry of Sputnik II into Earth’s atmosphere.)

There were a few newer teams rolling around. Dr Terrorhammer and the Battletoads put up a good fight with 56 points and The Stallions tracked 46. Then there was Bomb Pussy who scratched together 19, but still topped Zorn’s Dilemma who walked out after scoring seven in the first three categories.

So now it’s all on Madison. Who’s going to show up. Will Gail/Gayle/Gale/Ga-el be there? What about a full contingent of TV Dogs? Will Zack return just to talk about basketball podcasts with me?

We’ll find out the answers to these questions and at least 50 more tonight, at Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia. I’ll ask the questions, Jake will sling drinks and Emmett, aka Youngblud, will be hustling pizza and calzones like carbs are going out of style. All you need to do is be in the basement of Glass Nickel Pizza at 7pm. See you there.

 

We Can’t Crowd-Source All The Time

It bums me out that I can’t be at the Company Brewing shows. Not because I think they’re better. Trust me, Madison is still the number one trivia show in the Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia empire, based on a survey of Madison trivia hosts. But it would be cool to see the people who come up with names like Akira Kurosawazzup.

Sure, they only scored 70 points and sputtered out in second place, but that name is #1 in my book of team names. I keep that book right here on my desk. It’s titled Dope Ass Team Names That You Simps Can’t Even Fuck With. It’s probably a NYT #1 Bestseller. They were bested by S&M&Ms. Another fine name, but one we’ve seen before. Best Simpsons Cameo Ever nabbed the third place spot with 60 points and Scrambled Eggs put 55 points in the spreadsheet.

Yo, Soy Team Names are Hard scored 54 and 3 Guys on a Fact Hunt ended the night with 48. When Life Gives You Cthululemons You Make Cthululemonade had more letters in their team name than they did points at the end of the night. And, as any fan of 2000s Minneapolis indie rap will tell you, When Life Gives you Cthululemons, Paint That Shit Gold.

There’s a Tunnelsnake in my Boot ended the night with 45 points. Which is last place and exactly where Tunnelsnakes belong.

Tonight we move the show down to Brady Street at the Up & Under. Lewis, a man who refuses to concede and is demanding every vote be counted in his run for A Real Freaky-Deaky, is going to be tossing out 50 questions on hot topics such as Scientology, Cocktails and Even More Talk About Mascots.

And since none of the CoBrew teams have seen these questions, they could slide on down, and double up on trivia this week. If they choose to do so, all they have to do is be there at 7pm. See you there.

 

CoBrew CrowSour

Listen, I’ve done just about everything I can to drive people away from Trivia. Two weeks ago, I made 25-30 people sit in a basement and listen to an improvised musical about the cast of Dawson’s Creek, recorded by people who are certainly not professional musicians.

Yeah, people hated it. Yeah, Kirsti messaged me in the middle of the show, a flagrant violation of Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia rules, asking me to change the music. And sure, Janet hasn’t been back since. But I don’t regret it. And I’m certainly not going to mutter a half-hearted, “I’m sorry”.

Then, last week I forced not just the Madison show, but all venues into a complete Edmund Fitzgerald fiasco. Again, no regrets and I’m certainly not going to apologize for giving you all the most exciting evenings of your lives since the day you collectively discovered MDMA.

I can’t even feel guilty about any of it, because tonight the Company Brewing crew has a crowd-sourced show. I’ve seen what you do during these crowd-sourced shows. Three rounds of serial killers, two rounds on The Simpsons, and The Oeuvre of the Gin Blossoms–all in Bamboo Harvester of Sorrow format. And then Tunnelsnakes break out something like Whose Historically Important Portrait Have We Drawn A Dick/Boobs/Mustache On (actually a very solid art history category).

So I’m not apologizing for any of it. Y’all are the real monsters. That said, if you’re playing at Company Brewing tonight and you haven’t submitted your crowd-sourced questions, now is the time to do so. Shoot them over to Nick nick@wisconsinshardesttrivia.com or drop to me here and I’ll be sure he gets them. Then get you and your team over to Company Brewing in Riverwest for the most fun you could possibly have at a trivia show. It starts at 7pm. See you there.

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